


Just The Way We Are

by sMMg



Category: Free!
Genre: Canon Era, Feels, Friendship, Just aiming for your feels, M/M, Matsuoka Angst, Romance, Sexual Tension, and i guess general angst, but anything could happen, by now i'ts not mature, fluff?, if not there's a high chance your ships in here so enjoy, if you're a multishipper i think you'll enjoy, not telling which ships will be endgame, probably more soon, still not finished, too much tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:04:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3799618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sMMg/pseuds/sMMg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The power some people hold over us is terrifying, the way someone can affect you so much just by a thing they do. They can give you wings and make you feel like you're flying, just to clip them off in the blink of an eye and let you falling helplessly to the ground. The power to change us we unconsciously give to those people who are important to us is one of the most dangerous and mysterious things of this world. And sometimes it takes you to limits you would never imagine, you find yourself doing things you would've sworn you'd never do whitout even knowing why. At that point, it takes you to wonder who you really are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moments

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to modify a fic I wrote about relationships and charachters based on my interpretations of the canon. As you can read it involves a lot of relationships but in the way I picture them so some may be platonic, some may be romantic... You'll have to read to find out.
> 
> The original fic I wrote was finished and about 8 chapters long but I intend to change a lot of things about it and, though I have some things figured out, there's a high chance I'll add more charachertes and relationship and modify a lot of stuff so pretty much anything could happen. (I've tagged the reltionships that were originally featured but those may change, as well as the rating)
> 
> First Chapter is just a short intro but expect more soon.
> 
> And also if you catch any mistakes just tell me.
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!

(Haruka's P.o.v.)

I saw the hand stretched out towards me once more. I knew that hand so well. I had seen it grow from a little boy’s hand to the strong hand of a man. It was Makoto’s hand, usually followed by Makoto’s smile. It was so shiny it looked like it could light the whole world up. But at the same time it made me so calm. It was something wonderful but at the same time an everyday thing, something you would get used to seeing on his face. And, even though, it was still great every time. It made me feel warm and home. So I just grabbed his hand and felt him pulling me out of the tub.

«Again wearing a swimsuit in the bathtub?» He asked but I didn’t reply. Something like that was not meant to be replied. I just shook my head to get the water out of me and grabbed one of the towels. 

«I’ll be waiting for you to change in the living room but hurry up» he said, leaving the room. I was still a bit confused about him getting all flustered about seeing me naked. It wasn’t much of a big deal. I mean, we had known each other for longer than I could remember. I sure had no problem with seeing him naked. But I had an idea. There might be a reason because he could act like that but I wouldn’t ask him if I was right. I ignored him and went to the kitchen. I still hadn’t had breakfast and I felt like some morning mackerel so I put the apron over my swimsuit and started cooking. He heard the sounds from the kitchen and got in, screaming:

«No! Not again» equally disappointed and surprised. In my opinion, Makoto was being too dramatic. I did that same thing really often. Why did he seem surprised every time it repeated? Did he really think everything was going to change overnight? I guess it was funny, but Makoto was like that.

«Want some? » I offered. Manners first.

«No! We’re going to be late» he said, as always, worrying too much.

«I need to have proper meals. We are sportsmen. We need to feed our bodies»

«Still I don’t think mackerel and rice is the best choice…» Makoto reminded. I shrugged «Okay, go change now, I’ll finish cooking this for you» I looked at him. I wasn’t sure he could actually cook but agreed with a nod. When I came back I found the fish was already on the table, ready for me to eat it. 

«You have to be fast, okay?» he asked me with a sweet look on his face. I tried it and I confirmed that, in fact, Makoto didn’t know how to cook mackerel. But I ate it anyway. He had cooked it for me and I appreciated that. I really appreciated everything he did for me. He was really a good person. I didn’t like to think a lot about if I ‘deserved’ him or not but he was great. And I wasn’t the kind to tell him or even show him. My intentions weren’t bad, that didn’t mean I didn’t like it. Just I wasn’t sure how to act about it. So I didn’t.

We were walking towards school and I felt the marine breeze blowing my hair. I couldn’t help it but look at the water, as I felt like it was calling my name. Makoto was talking and suddenly trailed off. He assumed I was paying attention to him no more, sighed and fixed his eyes on me with a smile. He wouldn’t get mad at me. As always, I noticed the way he looked at me. With his green eyes glowing and his smile sweet and serene. But I didn’t look back. That was his moment. He thought it was just him, unnoticed, looking at me as he could not when I was looking. That was Makoto’s; it was too intimate for me to step on it. So I stared at the water and had a moment that was only mine as well.


	2. But I guess it was just love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Nagisa...  
> First chapter was too short so I decided I should post the second one too so you could actually get a sight of the whole picture itself.  
> Hope you'll like it

«Hey, Mako-chan! Wait, you are alone? Where’s Haru-chan?» Nagisa ran into me in the halls of high school, as cheerful and energetic as ever.

«He’s in the bathroom. It’s not like we’re together all the time» I answered, letting out an awkward laugh. Nagisa knew. Of all people, he did. Well, he had known me and Haru for a long time so he may have noticed. Since we had met again, he had looked at me some times and I had felt he knew it. Sometimes it was that little grin of his when he caught me staring or after I said something particularly revealing… Oh, Of course he did. He was devilishly smart. And that made me worry… Was it too obvious? Would he tell other people? The simple idea made me so nervous I hadn’t even talked him about it, I hadn’t even asked him about it. Luckily he was right, most of the times I was with him, Haru was also there and it’s not like we could talk about that kind of things if he were there. But when I saw that smirk on his little face I feared for the worst. We were alone now, this was probably going to be the day we would finally discuss that matter. Oh, I wished that day would’ve never come.

«Yes it is. You are together all the time!» he started «You go to school together, you live near each other, you’re in the same class, you’re together at the swimming club… You know, it makes me a bit jealous sometimes» he admitted, with a slightly mocking tone. I couldn’t help flushing.

«It’s no big deal! » my voice came out of my mouth louder than I have expected «We are best friends, best friends do that kind of things together and it’s perfectly normal» I tried to explain «Well, you and Ryugazaki-kun haven’t known each other for so long but you’re getting pretty close, aren’t you?» I asked. He flushed a little bit.

«Ah? What’s Rei-chan got to do with this?» he protested, crossing him arms «I’m talking about Mako-chan being aaaall the time with Haru-chan, and about the way they understand each other without even needing words, and about how Mako-chan looks at Haru as if there was nothing in this world he cared of more than he does about him» he started saying, in his eyes, a dreamy look sparkling. 

«Would you not say that kind of thing aloud?! » I asked, horrified, looking around to make sure there was no one there to hear us «We… He is my best friend, Nagisa! That’s the most important thing to me. It seems like you didn’t understand, I can’t let anything ruin this! » I looked around again. I was so scared. I had no idea of how to handle this situation, so I had just been avoiding the topic and letting things be. And it had worked well enough by now. Haru was still by my side and that was all I cared about. So I had no intentions at all of risking what we had.

«But why are you being like that? I mean… I think you’re both really cool but I know you and I know that you two really fit in together like for real, not just as a crush —I mean, who doesn’t have a crush on one of you? If not on both... But as I friend I love you and want you to be together because you’ll be really happy and you can love each other and then you’ll warm Haru-chan’s heart and he’ll be smiling and laughing and happy all the time. And Mako-chan will also be happy because I’m sure seeing Haru smile is his favorite thing in the world and then you’d be together forever and we could all become a big swimming family and everything would be so perfect!!…» he told me, fantasizing just as excited as if he were talking about his own love life. I couldn’t help a little bitter smile being placed on my lips. Nagisa had such a pure heart he just felt the problems of others too strongly and that was really sweet. But I couldn’t let him go that far with this.

«Everything is not that easy… Please, just don’t interfere» I felt like I was about to cry but struggle to keep everything inside. This was too hard for me. Nagisa was such a good friend and it was so sweet of him to worry about me I felt so bad cutting him out. He was even trying to tell me he that thought we could really work, that he thought I was enough for Haru and he was so excited with the idea. Breaking his little fantasy wasn’t just hard, it was heartbreaking, because I would’ve love to believe something like that too. But it just wasn’t true.

«But you love him, I know» 

«It doesn’t matter» was my answer «I have given up on that long time ago. That shipped has already sailed, there’s nothing I can do about it» It was so hard for me to say those words aloud. It hadn’t been easy to come to accept them but I had never thought they would hurt anyone that wasn’t me. This only made things worse. I just, didn’t want to… I just couldn’t go on with that conversation… I didn’t want to get mad with Nagisa and hurt him too… 

«Given up?! More like never really tried I’m sure! »he exclaimed, all of him becoming a little flame, burning with passion.

«WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SHOUTING? » I asked, looking around. There was still no one in the hall to be seen but that didn’t calm me at all. We could be heard, people could know, Haru could know… I didn’t even know what I would do if he found out, my whole world broken into pieces. I wouldn’t let that happen.

«You know Haru better than anyone. You’re aware that, even if he feels the same he will do nothing about it! »

«If he won’t do anything about it then it’s because he doesn’t feel a thing» I answered.

«Then wouldn’t that mean you feel nothing for him? » he asked.

«Yes » I answered. It meant everything could still be all right, it meant everything could be as if I felt nothing. And that’s all I wanted. That’s how things should be.

«That’s a lie! I won’t let you do this to yourself. You have to kiss him, to take the lead! Makoto, you deserve better» he tried to convince me, grabbing me by the shoulders.

« I can’t. Why would you say such a thing anyway? You know how great Haru is. You know he’s not like us, like common people, he’s… one step above. He’s great and everything, talented, smart, and he may seem cold but he’s actually so nice and wow, don’t even get me started on the way he swims… But also he never really seems to need anyone to be the best. I mean, not that he’s a loner, he has friends and everything but he would be Haru and he would be just as amazing even if he didn’t. Because it all comes natural to him and… I will never even get close. He’s so much better than me in absolutely everything it’s almost like he was part of another world, as if he really belonged to the water while the rest of us are only tourist when we dive in it. He could achieve anything while I’m just… I’ll probably stay here and have a boring calmed life, help my parents raise Ran and Ren, get a boring job and just die here eventually. And not that’s a bad thing but, I don’t know, when I think about Haru… It makes me want I could be something more, something better… something I’ll never be» those words were breaking me one by one. They carved their way out of me regardless of how much damage they were causing, regardless of how I felt as if my insides were bleeding. But I guess it was just love. So I went on

«I’m just so conventional, Nagisa. So familiar to him it sometimes makes me sick. We’ve been together for so long nothing about me is unknown to him. There’s nothing left to surprise him, nothing he finds particularly special or attractive in me. I can’t make him passionate, excited or even laugh. And even though it kills me I’m lucky. I’m his friend he appreciates me in his own way and I should be thankful for that because that’s all I’ll ever get and I guess I would if it weren’t for this awful craving inside of me. But I just… can’t stop this fire inside of me. Oh, it’s so sad, so desperate and helpless but sometimes I just wish… I just wish so badly that he looked at me the way I look at him, that he felt something like I do. At least once, just so I could know how paradise tasted like» unwillingly, my words broke and tears came out. Hearing those words with my own ears, in my own voice, was way too much. Those were the words of my curse. Those were my darkest secret, the one that should remain unknown for the world. And I was letting it out to Nagisa when none of that was even his fault. Sometimes I hated myself so badly.

It’s not like I felt unconfident. I had been by his side for so long and had seen it happen so many times. Everyone who got to know him admired him so much, no exceptions, and I could see why crystal clear. People think I’m nice and I guess some can get to like me. But he’s way out of my reach. I could spend my whole life trying. I could do everything to make him notice me, yet I would never get him to look at me that way not even for one second. I would never get him to look at me the way he looked at the water and there was nothing I could do about it.

«Mako-chan» he said. He was sad now. I had made him sad with all of this, oh, now I felt one hundred times worse. It was my fault young cheerful Nagisa was now sad. I shouldn’t have let this happen. He hugged me and I was too in need of a hug to deny «None of that is true. You are wonderful, Makoto. Really wonderful, for real! You’re like the nicest person I’ve ever known, and you’re so smart and caring and you’re smile is so pretty and being with you feels so good… I wouldn’t have talked to you about this if I didn’t really think you were more than worth it. I understand, Haru very dear to me too and I can see how, for some people, he might be unreachable. But not for you, Mako-chan! He’s not really easy to read, but I know he loves you. And you’re not just amazing but great for him. You take out his better side» it was so sweet, so comforting

«Thank you so much for your concern, Nagisa. You’re such a great friend…»

«It’s okay, I don’t like to see Mako-chan sad. It makes me really sad too, because you’re always smiling and right now seeing you like this… I don’t really want you to feel bad. Haru is just not the kind of people that shows that kind of passion or anything, but that doesn’t mean he can’t feel it» 

«No. He does get passionate. Just not about me» I said, failing in an attempt to dry my tears, they wouldn’t stop coming out. I looked at my watch. Nagisa and I should be at swimming practice. Maybe someone would come to look for us. I couldn’t let them find us like this.

«I know you mean the way he feels about the water. But the water is not a person, it is different. He could never be dating water. No matter how hard he tried»

«See, I understand that feel. That’s why I’d rather see him be happy and free than to tie him up to a second choice» I confessed, even though it hurt, it was the best. And no, I wasn’t talking about the water but I decided to keep that part to myself. Discussing that topic then would be the worst thing I could do. I wasn’t ready for it, but I didn’t think I would ever be.

«But you… can make him happy» he said, looking at me a bit sad, from under his eyelashes.

«Not the way I would like to» I was forced to admit. Those words felt too bitter in my throat. But there was absolutely nothing that could make them stop being so truth. I felt ignored. I wanted Haru to pay attention to me. Yet I was just Makoto, the all-time friend, a safe choice, not bad, neither exceptional, exciting or challenging just utterly common, catastrophically plain and unavoidably boring, just me. Nagisa just looked at me silent and with a sad look. It felt like the conversation was over so I decided it was better to leave before I hurt him even more. So I just headed to the pool without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm... Is it too emotional for a Second Chapter?  
> Well thanks for reading!


	3. The Battlefield Inside My Chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto runs into Rei and Nagisa after the talk Nagisa and he had. These two get a chance to finish that conversation and talk about a certain someone. And there it goes. The topic Makoto had never wanted to reach is unavoidable now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fluffy Reigisa never hurts. Rei is barely there but well... Enjoy!

That breakdown was pretty embarrassing so I pretended it hadn’t happened. For a while things stayed as they used to. I was with Haru pretty much all the time so Nagisa wouldn’t talk about it, yet sometimes I caught him staring at me with the saddest look I could imagine. And I hated having to avoid being alone with him or even ignoring him. But it’s not that I didn’t want to go on talking about it. I just couldn’t because if we went on talking about it we’d surely reach that topic and gosh I couldn’t even think about that topic… But you can’t run away from something like that forever so, a few days after, I ran into Rei and Nagisa downtown.

«Mako-chan!!» I heard Nagisa calling. I turned around to see him waving at me, energetically. He was happy to see me even though I had been so cold lately. I felt so guilty.

«Makoto-senpai!» called Rei, surprised as well.

«Hey» I greeted with a smile, walking towards them. They were my friends after all, of course we could be happy to see each other, no matter what.

«What are you doing here? »

«Oh, well… Actually I’m looking for a present for Ren and Ran»

«Is their birthday soon? » Nagisa wanted to know.

«Oh, well, no. But they have been really good lately so I thought I should just buy them a toy as a surprise. I just imagine their excited little faces when they see it… It’s going to be great» I explained, smiling. If there was something that would never failed to cheer my up it was my little siblings.

«Oh! I’m so jealous! Makoto is such a good oni!! And so nice!» said Nagisa «You should learn from your senpai, Rei. Now go bring me the biggest sweet you can find» he ordered.

«Eh? Why? »

«Just do it, please. I really want one» he asked, pouting. Rei looked at him and blushed. The way the other boy looked at him… I could see how Nagisa could think love was easy. If only Haru had ever looked at me like that, love would have been sweet and easy. I thought about those two going on a date as if everything was just wonderful. They didn’t even need to say it aloud, they loved each other and it was enough. But, even though I hoped it could be that easy for me, I couldn’t be jealous. It was Rei and Nagisa, they were like, meant for each other. I was too happy for them.

«Okay, fine» Rei sighed and left, trying not to show that he cared, but as soon as he turned around his path began determinate and steady. He sure wouldn’t rest until he got the biggest sweet in town because Nagisa was definitely worth it. It was so cute it almost melted my heart. So much I almost forgot that was just an excuse Nagisa had put up for the two of us to be left alone so we could talk about Haru.

«Mako-chan» he just said, with those sad puppy eyes fixed at me «I’m really concerned about you. The other day you sounded so in pain I didn’t want to push you too much but I still think you should step take a step forward and tell him how you feel»

«I don’t want to trouble you, Nagisa. Just forget about it, it’s fine. Everything is fine» I tried to tell him.

«No it’s not. If you don’t tell him he may…»

«End up with someone else? » I finished the sentence. He was a bit surprised but I knew that was what he was going to say «And would that be a bad thing? I mean, what if he wants to be with someone else and not with me? »

«I know that’s not true! You two are meant to be!! »

«That’s what you think… But what if we’re not? What if I’m right? I think the best you could do now is to understand life is not that easy and forget all about it. I swear, I’m okay, Haru’s will never know» 

«You have never asked him so don’t speak as if you knew! And even if he didn’t feel the same, I’m sure Haru would never let himself lose you. But the worst part is I’m sure he feels the same and you’re just suffering because you’re too afraid to take a step forward and one day it’ll happen and you’ll regret not listening to me before because you’re going to be so happy together! Like you couldn’t imagine…» Nagisa advised. He was too concerned…

«Like Rei and you? » I asked.

«N-No, Makoto, I» he started.  
«But in my case nothing’s that simple… Oh my god! Like have you ever seen the way he looks at him? Oh, of course you have, you have eyes and it’s so painfully evident. I could never compete with that… Haru just doesn’t see me that way and it hurts but there’s nothing I can do about it» so I finally let those darned words out. The flavor of my own desperation was so strong in my tongue it almost made me dizzy.

«So this is what it’s all about… Rin-chan» with his words it was gone. The secret and feeble hope I still had that maybe it wasn’t that evident that I was unrequitedly in love with a boy who not only did not look at me but obviously was interested in someone else died with those words. The pity in his voice… I was a living tragedy and everyone knew. I sighed.

«I hate myself for being jealous at Rin. I hope I could be happy… But I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Rin and I are friends, I like him too. I mean, I care about him a lot. It’s just I think he may be like Haru. I mean, no one is like Haru, like Haru but… Rin’s pretty special, anyone can tell and I used to love that, I mean, I still think I do but at the same time I hate it. He makes him get that spark in his eyes. I’m pretty sure he is on another level as well. He makes Haru passionate. I know my best friend and I don’t think I’m able to get that flash of emotion out of him and I’ve tried. Haru and Rin are exceptional. Both of them are in different ways but somehow it’s like they’re made for each other… He likes Haru too and I feel like I should just let them be together and happy and just be happy for them because it’s something good even though it may result on me never being able to love again, I have accepted it. But even though I have it’s just so hard to do this. Every day feels like a battlefield inside mi chest» I said, feeling ashamed. I was such a bad person. I shouldn’t be that selfish with something that’s never going to happen.

«That’s why he would never love you like he loves Rin-chan» Nagisa said. I just couldn’t believe he had said something so awful. I could almost hear the sound of my heart being crushed to a million pieces «You are right. Rin-chan is just so cool. Ambitious, confident, he gets what he wants, he steps forward. You are not like him. But that’s only because you’ve chosen not to be. I love the way you are and it’s great that you are the most gentle person I’ll probably ever met but that doesn’t mean you have to be like that. Worrying so much about others you just left yourself behind. If you don’t start thinking about yourself you will make yourself a second-choice, you will never get what you want in life: Nor Haru, nor anything » It was blunt but clear. I could not reply. I just stood there, the words echoing inside my head. In that moment Rei arrived with a piece of shortcake the size of a baby’s head, ornamented with butterfly shaped fondant icing and strawberries.

«I hope you like this. I picked this one because it was the most beautiful one there» he murmured, blushing, trying not to look like he cared that much. Nagisa’s eyes shone. He suddenly hugged him

«It’s perfect!!! Rei-chan has been so good!! I’m going to eat it all right now! You blink, you miss it » he said then opened his mouth and giving it an enormous bite. Rei’s glance stopped at me for a second:

«Makoto-senpai, is everything alright? » he asked. I didn’t answer immediately but in the end I smiled and let out a:

«Yes. Sometimes you just need to be shown a sight you have never seen before» I murmured. Rei didn’t quite understand my reference but Nagisa smiled wide, his lips totally covered in cream and marmalade from the cake. Rei’s eyes caught his smile and, obviously, remained fixed on it, slipping a smile into his lips too while he looked at the most beautiful thing for him.

«Uh, You have a bit of…» he said, pointing at his mouth.

«Oh where? Can you clean it for me?» Nagisa asked, trying to flirt. It felt like I was in the middle of their love story and they just needed to be left alone.

«I’ve got to keep going. See you later» I said, waving at them. They said goodbye as well buy I didn’t blame them for not paying a lot of attention. They were in love after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise next update they'll stop talking about feels for so long and something will actually happen! Hope you liked it ^^


	4. Someone I Could Always Lean On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Makoto has thought about it for so long he is finally going to act. He goes to Haru's house obviously acting "weird"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting one more becuase next week I'm probably going to be busy and this chapter's pretty interesting. Things start actually happening so I hope you'll like it

«Hey, Haru» I recognized his voice before I turned around. It was Makoto. I wasn’t expecting him.

«Makoto? »

«Is it okay if I stay here? I felt like spending some time with you» his green eyes were on me with strength. I felt his energy go through my whole body. It was something new and a little bit weird but I couldn’t say it was disgusting. Well Makoto was really handsome and I couldn’t help noticing, but he was not like this. Sometimes I wondered why he had no girlfriend but honestly I preferred things this way. Plus there was always that posible reason… 

«I brought some snack from town. Is it okay?» there was something about the way he was asking. As he already put the yes as the answer and left no room for a choice. I wasn’t going to point out something like that but I wondered what was going through his mind.

«Do you feel like watching a movie with me now? » he asked again, not even letting me answer the first one «There’s a lot of water in it so you’ll like it» he said, getting up to program the DVD. It shocked me a bit. I could not understand what was happening… He sat by me and I felt his hand soon, resting in my back while the movie was on. I couldn’t say I disliked it but it was weird. This was all weird. It didn’t seem like something Makoto would do and not that I disliked this but Makoto was Makoto and I think that’s how things should be. I shivered and he noticed. He soon took his hand away and his face looked suddenly sad. I felt bad. That hadn’t been my intention. I did not talk but got a bit closer to him. I didn’t mind being physically close to Makoto. I actually enjoyed it I mean, it didn’t make me uncomfortable at all it wasn’t like I was thinking about that all the time but I guess it was… nice. I just thought he was acting weird so I was worried. But I leaned on his body softly, trying to make up the offence. I knew he could take it. After all he had a strong, muscular body. And he was someone I’d always be able to lean on.

«Haru-chan» he let out, flushing a bit. I looked at him. Was that why he was weird? Was he finally letting out the truth about what I had been considering a possibility? Was it true all along? I did not tell him to drop the chan this time. If it was because of that then there was no need to worry about him acting weird. He surrounded me with his arms and wrapped his legs around me too. It was nice, comfortable and sweet. I felt like inside I was smiling. I really liked Makoto, the real one so I wouldn’t want him to change. He kissed my cheek softly and I felt the zone his lips touched warm. It made me want to smile. Makoto had something about him I needed. Being with him was soothing, delightful. It made me wish we could be together forever, not in a particular way, just by each other’s side. So I went on a bit more and kissed his lips. This was what it was all about and I was pretty sure I wanted to do it. I saw Makoto flushing right after and felt a bit guilty. He’s pretty innocent, it felt a bit wrong, probably shouldn’t have let my tongue in so soon. But it felt so good. He shyly pressed his smiling lips against mine. Again his smile was so radiant… I had never really tried something like that and it was nice. Everything with Makoto felt nice and good. I wish everything in his world made me feel like that. Then being happy would be such an easy thing.

I didn’t give it much though. I wasn’t thinking about “labels” or “are we dating?” I just did it because I felt like it and I was glad I did. We didn’t pay a lot of attention to the movie… Or actually talk. We spent most of the time in silence. But that didn’t bother me. It was not an awkward silence at all. We were either just staring into each other’s eyes or with our mouths a bit too close to each other to have a coherent conversation. But it was a nice way to spend the time. Holding Makoto and kissing Makoto… Yes, it had been a good idea. I kind of guessed he had feelings before but I never thought talking to him about that would lead to something like this. If I had to be honest I preferred this to talking. Talking was… complicated. If we had talked about it maybe things wouldn’t have been so easy. Maybe he would have started talking about what this all meant and he would have taken the magic away from it. But sometimes I forgot how great Makoto was. He had always been there and I was so used to him I sometimes didn’t realize but he was. He wasn’t like others. He knew I’d rather not talk about it too much, he knew me so well. So he didn’t try to push me. And I think that’s why it was that great: because it was Makoto and no one else.

I couldn’t have chosen someone better for a first experience like this. He left at dinner time, though. He had a big smile on his face and his cheeks were red. He looked pretty cute and seemed like he had his head elsewhere. He was thinking about me and I liked that feeling. It was like something tickled me inside. As soon as he left I find a dumb smile in my lips. It felt really dumb but I just couldn’t help it. I stood in the hall for some time after he left, just thinking. Not about words or facts, but about the way I was feeling. When I decided to leave for the kitchen to start cooking dinner I realized Makoto’s coat was still there. He must had left it behind. It didn’t surprise me. He was quite distracted when he left. I decided it was probably a better idea to give it back to him after dinner because if I went then their parents would probably insist on me to eat with them even though they had everything already cooked for five people and not six and, even though I loved hanging out at his house I didn’t think it was right.   
After dinner I took the coat and then I felt it. It was Makoto’s smell. For a moment I thought maybe it was better if I didn’t return it yet. Maybe then I could sleep wearing it and feel as if Makoto was holding me. I felt dumb. But I decided to return it anyway. That meant I could see him again and you could never get enough of someone like him. So I just went to his house to give it back to him. He opened the door.

«Haru! » he was surprised to see me «Why are you here at this hour? Do you need anything» he asked starting to worry too much again.

«No, I just…»

«Oh, is there something you want to tell me about…» he looked around to check if there was someone else around «before? » he looked sad, as if he were expecting me to have bad news.

«No, just take this» I said.

«Oh… It’s my coat. There was no need for you to bring it now. It’s too late, you’re probably tired. And it’s also cold out there, you shouldn’t have gone out. What if you catch a cold? I could have taken it tomorrow or just anytime…» he started to say, feeling guilty.

«But I wanted to» I answered. He smiled and flushed a little. 

«I guess it’s okay then…» he laughed «Do you want to get in or…»

«Thank you but I’m going to sleep now. It’s late»

«Okay, well. Goodnight» he wished, smiling. I kissed his lips and then said:

«Goodnight» I would’ve stood there forever but I had to go so I did leave. It had been worth it. That goodnight kiss had been something special. I felt like it was something I would want to do every day from that moment on. And of course I was thinking about him at bed too. The way I was feeling was simply so… Words weren’t good enough to describe it. 

Sad thing the morning came and then I realized this wasn’t a fairytale. I realized why it just hadn’t happened sooner, because I was going to hurt Makoto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But the thing I like the most about this chapter is how it ends. Hope you like it too


	5. Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up to a little unexpected someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realised this chapter was pretty much already written between the scraps of the original fic so here it is. I could have set it to post next week but I felt like updating again so... Hope you like it.
> 
> BY THE WAY... it hadn't ocurred to me but as I'm not a native speaker I may write in a slightly different way sometimes. For example I'm used to latin quotation marks because they are the ones recommended in my mother language's grammar —and also I find them more aestethically pleasant, but that's subjective and definitely not important for me— but it's true some of you may not be used to them. If you want me to change anything because it'll make you more comfortable to read or if you have any notes or any mistakes you've found, just tell me ~ Also if you have any comments about it, I'd be glad to hear them.

I opened my eyes and saw his slender figure. He was something more than attractive. He had grown up to become a really handsome man, but he also had some natural charm that seemed to be there every time I looked at him: That boy with the bright eyes and the sharp smile that made my heart race and my blood pump through my veins. The boy who made me feel swimming with others might be what I needed too, the boy who was now angry all the time and laugh no more and who talked about quitting swimming and all because of me. But he still had that thing about him. He still made me want to go for him. I sighed. He looked straight at me and I realized I wasn’t imagining it. He was there, at my house with Samezuka’s jacket over a sleeveless shirt and his hair back in a tiny ponytail. 

«Rinrin?» I asked without realizing I had said that aloud. He frowned. 

«I know what you’re doing» he only said, ignoring me. I rubbed my eyes. I certainly hadn’t expected something like that home on a Saturday morning. He went on «You are always after me, trying to get into my business and I realize Gou may have asked you to do this but, from now on, and tell all your stupid friends too; you’d better get out of my way» he said, frowning. Just by looking at him and his gritting teeth I could tell he was hurt and messed up and that made me feel so bad. 

«It’s not Gou I’m doing this for»

«Oh, are you going with it again? “I swim for myself, I don’t care about times, I don’t care about anything else”. Well I think you care, or you wouldn’t be stuck here with the same kids as if you hadn’t grown up a bit. But in my case wanting to defeat you has nothing to do with the past. You have potential and honestly, that’s the only reason why I have been racing you until this moment. Because you are a challenge and I really need to beat everyone if I want to reach my dream. But that’s all so you’d better ignore whatever my sister told you to do, for your own good»

«I’m doing this for you, Rin»

«You are doing this for me? You are the worst of my problems! I just need to crush you, then when you’ll out of my way I’ll be able to move on, forget all about this, all about you and your stupid friends. I’ll finally erase you from my life forever» he screamed, unable to keep all that frustration in. What happened to you, Rin? It was the question that troubled me the most. Yet it hurt me too much to hear him speak like that to let him do it

«Do you think that will make you feel better? Because I don’t think that’s the best for you»

«Yes! It will! Then I’ll finally be able to focus on what really matters to me» he yelled, really feeling it. As if I was the one who had done that to him, as if he hated me more than anything in this world.

«Rin, I…»

«NO! Just don’t, please!» he cut me «Won’t you understand? I don’t care about you anymore! I just want to move on. To beat you and then to say goodbye! Then you’ll have to leave me alone for good! » he grabbed the collar of my T-Shirt. Anger was pumping through all of his veins and the adrenaline from his fiery eyes splashed me and made me feel more alive than ever. Oddly ironic, since those same words were also killing me inside.

«Can’t you understand how I feel right now? You appeared, years ago and changed everything. You taught me the real meaning of a relay, for the first time in forever I found something that was worth it, something that made me feel passionate, something I could love. And the only thing I wanted from that moment was to swim with you. And everything was wonderful I… I guess I was happy» I had to pause because the emotions were fighting their way up my throat «And then you just left. I was so broken. Because it was all of a sudden. But I tried to say to myself it was good because… Well, you were going to Australia to learn swimming and that was a dream come true, and I should not be sad for you. And then I just saw you once more in that race and I wanted to ask you so many things there and, I don’t know, I got really worried because things started to feel wrong. All the time I couldn’t stop wondering if you were doing okay or not. What happened to you? Did you hate me? Because you never wrote a letter or called and we were friends, you could have told me! No, just let me keep all that anguish inside… I couldn’t talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make Makoto or Nagisa worry and feel bad too»

«How could I tell you? How would you understand something like that? You are great at swimming! You don’t even have to try and you are better than all of us. It’s a gift! And the worst part is you have never cared about it! Do you even imagine how important is swimming for me? Do you even get a clue how I wished I could have your skills? I just- Wish I had never met you… Maybe that would have made things easier» he stopped but I really felt like he shouldn’t have done it.

«You were here for a real short time, but you meant so much… You can’t just expect me to forget that. Neither can you expect to forget it yourself, no matter how hard you try!» I answered. He couldn’t say things like that. He sighed

«So is it my curse, then?» he asked me and I couldn’t understand «Forever obsessed with Nanase Haruka. Because no single person in this world swims the way he does. Because, despite it being completely irrational and absurd, he doesn’t even care about winning. Because he only swims free. Because looking at his eyes is like staring at the bottom of the ocean. And because there’s no one like him» His muscles were tense, all rage and frustration. Was it all about me? I wasn’t sure how it made me feel, but I couldn’t get my eyes out of his. Rin wasn’t like Makoto. I would have never told he thought about me often if he hadn’t just blurted it out. Our faces were closer then, so close I could feel his breath, sharp and ragged, as fierce as raging waves, strong enough to do anything. His emotions slipped into me from under his skin and I felt mine crawling. There was something about Rin. Something no one else ever had. He pulled closer from the collar of the shirt and I closed my eyes, expecting the punch.

It never came. Instead of it, what collided against me was the angriest kiss someone could ever imagine. Fighting against my lips, filled with frustration and awfully bittersweet. Still I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. It was fire. It had nothing to do with Makoto’s sweet and comfortable safeness. It was really wrong because of… so many reasons but every instant it lasted, it did nothing but make me go insane. The touch of our lips meeting, the taste of his mouth… It had never crossed my mind I could even want something like that until that very moment. Yet right then I couldn’t get enough of it. My heart was racing even faster then. Then he suddenly paused and I was tempted to pull him back into the kiss. Why would he stop something that great? But he sighed. Our faces were still close and I felt something wet. Was he… crying? Suddenly everything felt awfully wrong. Even more than what I had expected. His name was drawn in my lips, ready to be pronounced, but it never had time to come out of them. He left the room harshly and quickly, with his eyes down, not even looking at me. Reality started to collapse over me and crushed me slowly. Not only Rin crying, not only the fact that IT should have never really happened at all. But also how I was the worst person ever, also how would I ever be able to look him at his face. No, not Rin, I mean the one with the sweetest smile ever: The one with the green eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the thing starts to get tangly. Expect more "tangliness" as new ships are sailing towards us... I hope you had enjoyed. I'm not really happy with my RinHaru portrayal, I'm not sure I get all the feels of this pairing right when trying to write it... But anyway, hope you liked it.


End file.
